Salad Bad Ass

(Pandora, Hope, and G.B. Wittington are seated at a patio table at the local Pei Wei restaurant. They've already discussed the lack of fortune telling from the fortune cookies and wait patiently for their dinner.)

Attendant: (comes out with the food) Honey Seared Chicken, Gluten Free Spicy Chicken, and Chopped Chicken Salad with no dressing. Anything else?

Pandora: No, thank you. Everything looks good.

Attendant: Okay then. Enjoy!

G.B. Wittington: I think I threw that guy off when I asked for no dressing. I mean, who does that? Who asks for no dressing? How many times has that happened to him? Once, like right now, or maybe twice? I bet no one asks for no dressing.

Hope: (looks at G.B. Wittington) Why didn't you ask for any dressing?

Pandora: Because he thinks dressing is the enemy.

Hope: What?

G.B. Wittington: (grimaces at Pandora) I have learned to simply enjoy the taste of food in its natural state.

Hope: But the chicken isn't in its natural state.

G.B. Wittington: ...

Hope: Well, it isn't alive right now, is it?

Pandora: (starts laughing)

Hope: I'm just saying, dead and cooked chicken isn't exactly a natural state.

G.B. Wittington: Ok, there's that, and salad dressing is just a glob of unnecessary goo so... I go without it.

Hope: But it's tasty goo, isn't it?

Pandora: Yes, but people like him think bland is healthy so... we let it go. Who needs the spice of life anyway?

G.B. Wittington: (takes a bite of bland salad) Spice is for sissies.

(everyone quietly eats for a bit and then...)

G.B. Wittington: (stares at his salad bowl)... this is pretty dry.

Pandora: (sneers) ...should've gotten salad dressing? The natural state isn't doing it for ya?

G.B. Wittington: (reaches his fork across the table and dips it into the sauce on Pandora's plate)

Pandora: What's this?

Hope: (holds up the serving spoon) This might work better, you could scoop more up and drizzle it over your salad better.

G.B. Wittington: I'm not trying to use it as dressing, I just wanted to taste it. (as he takes another bit of salad with sauce on his fork)

Pandora: Right...

Hope: Looks like you're "dressing" the salad to me.

G.B. Wittington: No! I just wanted to taste it!

Hope: Cuz the sauce is in its natural state?

G.B. Wittington: ... (with a strange look on his face)

Pandora: What? (noticing the strange look on his face) Are you okay?

G.B. Wittington: (looking a little pale) Yes.

Pandora: What's with that look on your face?

G.B. Wittington: Some salad is stuck in my throat.

Pandora: What? Are you choking?

G.B. Wittington: No, it just feels like a glob of salad is stuck in my throat. It's not going down right.

Pandora: Good grief...

G.B. Wittington: (picks up his water and stands up) Excuse me for a minute, please.

Pandora: What are you doing?

G.B. Wittington: I need to excuse myself.

Pandora: You're going to the men's room to gag and cough and clear your throat from the chopped chicken salad aren't you?

G.B. Wittington: (heads to the door) Yep. (comes back to the table after about five minutes of gagging absence) It's all good. I fixed it.

Pandora: Good grief... if you weren't trying to be some kind of Salad Bad Ass this wouldn't be happening.

G.B. Wittington: Salad Bad Ass?

Pandora: Yeah, Mr. I Asked For No Dressing. (in a mockingly low voice) "I threw that guy off when I asked for no salad dressing. Who does that? Me! I'm the only man on Earth that does that! No one does that because they are all pansies! I am the Salad Bad Ass!"

G.B. Wittington: Haha! Well, I am the Salad Bad Ass!

Pandora: Whatever! Salad Bad Asses don't go gag in the men's room because they're choking on the dryness of the salad without dressing.

Hope: Seriously... why did you do that?

G.B. Wittington: Because I'm a Mountain Man!

Pandora: What???

G.B.Wittington: I'm a Mountain Man! Mountain Men don't use salad dressing.

Pandora: Mountain Men don't eat salad!

G.B. Wittington: Yes they do! They eat grass!

Pandora: They eat meat!

G.B. Wittington: They eat grass and twigs because if they don't they experience extreme constipation and hemorrhoids!

Pandora: Since when have you seen a Mountain Man pull up a handful of grass from the ground and eat it cuz he needed some fiber? Those dudes are out there hunting bears and big game. They're not eating grass!

G.B. Wittington: They are too! They're eating grass and twigs because they're all natural.

Pandora: You're confused.

G.B. Wittington: I am not!

Pandora: Yes you are. You're thinking about those stupid granola hippies with the hemp necklaces. Those guys are out there eating grass and twigs because they're all vegans and can't hurt the living creatures of Earth and whatever the hell they're thinking. But Mountain Men? Those guys are killing every creature that crosses their path and they're eating them and making clothes out of their skin.

G.B. Wittington: No! You're the one that's confused! The stupid vegans don't live in the mountains, they live by the beach in California, where they can go to the all organic grocery store and buy their granola and their vegetables and go home and smoke pot and feel more enlightened than the rest of us. They're not trolling around the mountains where it takes work to live.

Pandora: You have a point there. Okay, but the Mountain Men still don't eat grass.

G.B. Wittington: What does the Mountain Man eat then?

Pandora: Meat! He kills things and skins them and puts them on a rotisserie pole and cooks them over a fire and maybe sometimes makes a stew.

G.B. Wittington: Okay, he makes a stew. What does he make a stew with?

Pandora: Meat and water.

Hope: ...and maybe some blood and some wild beans.

Pandora: (points at Hope) That's right! Maybe some blood... he may add some blood for ... flavor ... or whatever... (looks at Hope) ... blood?

Hope: Ya, Mom. They used blood.

G.B. Wittington: ...and what else, Hope? What else did they use?

Hope: beans

G.B. Wittington: Ha! Did you hear that??? They used beans!

Pandora: They did not!

G.B. Wittington: They did too! Your daughter said so!

Pandora: What? No she didn't!

G.B. Wittington: Yes she did! She just said beans!

Pandora: (to Hope) Did you say beans?

Hope: Yes, I did. And you agreed with me.

Pandora: You did not! You did not say beans!

Hope: Yes, I did, Mom. I said beans, and you agreed with me.

Pandora: I did not! I never agreed to beans! You said blood! I agreed to blood, but I never agreed to beans!

Hope: Well... I said beans. I said blood and wild beans and you agreed with me.

Pandora: ...

G.B. Wittington: And how do they get the beans, Hope?

Hope: They gather them. (she takes another bite of her food) Mountain Men are basically hunters and gatherers. They do both things to exist. They eat meat, and they eat wild beans and berries that they find growing in the wild.

G.B. Wittington: (smiles triumphantly at Pandora)

Pandora: Well... she didn't say they eat grass, and they certainly don't eat Chopped Chicken Salad without dressing from Pei Wei.