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...over-educated and under-experienced, or so they say...

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Occupy My Mailbox

I think I might go out and hire some loopy hippies to Occupy my mailbox.  Seriously... There is a genocide of trees going on and the results are in my mailbox.  Someone, please... stop the madness.

Don't get excited here, folks.  I'm not about to hop up onto some soapbox and truly cry about trees here (though I really do love trees a lot and I do make it a point to hug them every so often because, who couldn't use a good hug from a tree once in a while).  I am, however, going to gripe about this mess that ends up in my mailbox ALL THE TIME.

I once wrote about the mail and my lackadaisical approach to checking it.  I have, since then, made it a point to check my mail at least once a week.  The problem is, like most of my life, The Universe has decided to poke fun at me.  Even though I'm now checking the mail once a week, I have found more of those stupid pink slips telling me that my mailbox was full and that I have ten days to pick it up at the post office or it will all be returned to sender.

That stupid pink slip moment happened to me two weeks in a row, TWO WEEKS IN A ROW ladies and gentlemen.  Both times I stood there with that stupid pink slip in my hand saying, "Are you serious?!  After ONE WEEK you sent it all back?  Why?  Why one week?  I never have that much mail because I've gone paperless on most things.  This makes no sense!"

No... I'm sorry... It does make sense.  See that stupid picture up there?  After I went to the post office to pick up the mail, I had two pieces of mail in actual envelopes and the rest was all that tripe up there.  ALL THAT TRIPE UP THERE IS THE REASON I HAD TO TAKE A TRIP DURING MY LUNCH HOUR AND STAND IN LINE AT THE STUPID POST OFFICE WITH A SLEW OF GRUMPY PEOPLE THAT HATE THEIR LIVES!  I STOOD IN LINE FOR JUNK!!!  Two "buyer's edge" mailers, a stupid World Market mailer, some old people catalog specializing in corns and incontinence, and sundry other junk mailers.   Why oh why must I find this garbage in my mailbox on a regular basis?!  Someone needs to put a spam shock collar on the mail carrier -- every time the guy reaches to put a copy of the Penny Saver in my mail box, he gets shocked and redirected to the recycle bin.

Which brings up another point: if you're going to put this much waste in my mailbox, could you please do me a favor and place the recycle bin close by?  You have a trash can there, which I see most people are using as it is ALWAYS FULL with this garbage, but seriously.... I do start to feel really guilty just throwing it all in the trash.  Yes, I have learned to carry it down the way to the recycle bin by the dumpster, but the majority of the residents are still pouring the souls of the dead trees into the garbage can there.  The least we could do is make sure no NEW trees have to die just so they can become the next issue of the Money Mailer.  We can at least let the previous Money Mailer get recycled into a second shot at life.  I'm sure there's some irrationally thrifty soul around here who can convince himself that he just may need that patio designer, even though we all live in apartments around here and no one needs a new patio design.

Seriously... this makes no sense.  Please, oh great Occupy movement, please come Occupy my mailbox and hold up signs telling the mail carrier that I am the 1% of the population that doesn't give a shit about the Buyer's Edge and I have a dentist that I go to regularly so I really could care less about the five free cleaning deals down the street.  Please tell him that he doesn't have to do this.  Please tell him that the blood of your children are on his hands because he is contributing to the killing of trees simply by putting their poor news printed souls into my mailbox.  Please tell him that he could set himself free from this burden.  And please do it between the hours of 10:00 a.m. and noon, Monday through Friday, because he delivers the mail somewhere between those hours and I can take my lunch break to come watch because that would entertain the hell out of me.