The Bucket List

So, ever since that movie The Bucket List came out, I've been receiving these stupid "get to know you" emails where there's some lame version of a "bucket list" and I need to check off the things I've completed.  This is supposed to be fun, of course, particularly when you sit in a stupid cubicle all day and you need a distraction from the mundane bull shit that is your life, but on this particular day I ran across the most depressing "bucket list" ever.  According to this "bucket list," my life is obviously  boring and I apparently aimed so low with my dreams and aspirations I should've been dead yesterday.

Here's the stupid list I received:
1. Shot A Gun -- um... if bee bee guns count, I did that when I was five, but I have since shot a 44 magnum.

2. Gone On A Blind Date -- unfortunately for me, I've been on more than one.

3. Skipped School -- ...really?  I can't really "live" until I skipped school?  Thank God I did that once. Feel sorry for the people that were too good to ever do that and now they're 60 and don't have the chance to go back in time and do it.  They will NEVER die fulfilled now!  Stupid good students of Earth...

4. Watched Someone Die -- um... no.  I suspect I may find myself next to a parent or something while they lay in a hospital bed at some point but... I would actually prefer NOT to have this experience and I certainly don't think watching someone die is on my list of dreams to come true or experiences I wish to have before I pass onto the nether world myself.  Who came up with that one?

5. Visited Africa -- Well, if you want my opinion, the day I visit Africa is probably the same day I die.  With my luck, I'll go to Africa the day the Ebola Virus runs rampant and I'm going to find myself quarantined in some crazy ass village that I'd wish I'd never come to and I'm going to sit on a rock and watch the blood pour out of my nose and think to myself, "Well... At least I got to Africa before I died."  HELL NO!  I am NEVER going to Africa!  That place is jacked up!  I have no desire to go there!  This may sound terrible but... I'm happy just to send some money there to help them get on their feet and get water and supplies.  I have no desire to visit.  No thanks.  Bot flies anyone?

6. Visited Hawaii -- done.  It was pretty.  Over priced.  Could probably care less if I ever go there again.

7. Visited Cuba -- Again... who wrote this?!  Cuba?!  Most people are hopping rafts and risking a fight with sharks to get out of that place.  Why would I go there?!  Who are you?!  What the hell are you thinking?!

8. Visited Europe -- Okay, I haven't been anywhere in Europe and I do hope to go before I die, not to France though.  Even if I could speak the language enough to get by, I've recovered from my romance with those idiots.  Spain?  Sure.  Italy? You bet.  Germany?  Okay.  France can kiss my ass.

9.  Visited South America -- ... No thanks.  Drug cartels and giant bugs aren't my thing.

10.  Visited Las Vegas -- Done, a few times.  Now what?

11. Visited Mexico -- Done, a few times.  Granted, it was Tijuana and Ensenada and Rocky Point, nothing like Acapulco or anything, but ... I've been there.

12. Visited Florida -- Done.  Lived there for a while.

13.  Seen the Grand Canyon -- Done, a few times.  (at this point, this is getting way too easy)

14. Flown In  A Plane -- ...?  Really?!  I don't know who wrote this, but ... haven't flown in a plane???  WHO WROTE THIS ONE?!

15.  Served On  A Jury -- oh my god... WHO WROTE THIS?!?!  I'm pretty sure all of us would LOVE to spend our ENTIRE LIVES without having to serve on a jury!!!  WHO ARE YOU?!?!  Where are you at right now?!  Under a rock?!?!?!

16. Been Lost -- ...  been lost... ...sigh... really?  I got lost at 3 years old in a store called GEMCO that probably only a handful of people would even recall was a store at some point in the 1970s but this idiot, whoever wrote this, seems to think that you haven't TRULY LIVED if you've never been lost. I have, of course, been LOST many times since then in the past 34 years of my life, both literally and metaphorically, and I can say that each time I've been LOST it didn't make me feel any more or less fulfilled in my life.  You truly are an idiot.  You have never been lost?!  Are you 50 years old and still living at home with your mother?!  What the hell is going on in your brain?!

17. Traveled To The Opposite Side Of The Country -- Well, Florida was the opposite side of the country for me at the time so... thanks for killing two birds with one stone.

18.  Visited Washington D.C. -- YES!  I haven't done that yet and it is DEFINITELY something I would put on my bucket list.  Awesome!  Good for you!  Out of 18, so far you've scored 2 points in accurately finding something I hope to do before I die!

19.  Cried Yourself To Sleep -- ...sigh... If you haven't done this, you're a vegetable.  Not to mention, everyone usually experiences this in infancy anyway, but if what you're shooting for here is that you want to experience being so depressed or sad over something that you want to cry yourself to sleep at least once before you die... well... go complete jury duty first and then cry yourself to sleep over the fact that you put that on your stupid bucket list.

20. Played Cops And Robbers -- okay... I'd really like to see Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman play cops and robbers.  Did they do that in The Bucket List?  Did they play cops and robbers?  I admit, I've never seen the movie, but... that would be hilarious to watch Old Man Jack play Cops And Robbers with Morgan Freeman.  Again, HELLO?!  You didn't do that when you were in kindergarten?  Did you even go to kindergarten?!?!  Are you in kindergarten right now?!?!

21.  Played Cowboys And Indians -- (see above)

22. Recently Colored With Crayons -- ... you must be in Kindergarten, or at least enrolling soon

23. Sang Karaoke -- done.  It was fun, I still do it on occasion, but I don't think it's exciting enough to put on the list of things I want to do before I die.  "What do you want to do before you die?"  "I hope that one day I will get off my ass on a Friday night and head to the local dive bar and sing Karaoke with a bunch of drunk people!"  Awesome!  Good for you!  Way to shoot for the moon!

24. Paid For A Meal With Coins Only -- YES!  I'm so excited that I've been able to pay for a meal with coins only at least ONCE in my life!  WOO HOO!  I'm SO ALIVE!!!!  ...idiot...

25. Made Prank Phone Calls -- Well, considering this person thinks paying for a meal with coins is an achievement, considering they may not be old enough to get to the bar to sing Karaoke, and considering that making a prank phone call is on the list here, it may be safe to assume that the writer of this list made it past kindergarten, but they may be 12.

26. Laughed Until Some Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose -- ...definitely 12, but I will say this: I've laughed until some beverage came out of my nose at least two or three times in my life thus far, and there is something extra funny about that moment when it happens.  I'll keep that one on my list.

27.  Caught A Snowflake On Your Tongue -- Done that, but if you're a native of Phoenix, AZ, it's quite possible you haven't so... head out to Colorado one winter break.  But... go skiing or snowboarding or something, don't just rent a hotel for a week so you can catch a damn snowflake on your tongue.

28. Had Children -- I have one.  She's beautiful.  And I am happy to have lived life with a child like her in it so... I'll keep this one.

29.  Had  A Pet -- Pet's are good.  I'll keep this one too.

30.  Skinny Dipping -- done that one, got in trouble for it, but I did it.  And... I guess I'll keep that one too cuz... it makes me smile in the most mischievous kind of way.

Oh yeah... this was a lot of fun.  As if my life doesn't already annoy me, aside from visiting Africa, South America, Cuba, and watching someone die, all my dreams have come true!

Thanks random chain email idiot.  You made my day.