Twisted Christmas

So anyone with an email account has probably received things like People Of Walmart and other such forwards with disturbing photos of people doing or wearing something odd… to say the very least.   Anyone that knows me knows that I rarely laugh at these photos because I have this part of me that actually gets disturbed by the thought of people walking around doing these things or wearing these things.  And these same people that send me these emails do it because they know I’m going to end up going off on some kind of rant.  That being said, someone sent me an email this morning titled: What Were They Thinking?  I opened the email to find some Christmas Family Photos taken from AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com that did indeed disturb me with their awkwardness and pretty much sent me on the following rant or commentary (if you prefer).  See below…

What is going on with this crazy well-to-do-family in formal attire with all of the dogs?  ..the hell is going on here?  …and is that the mother?  …the matriarch of the family in the center with the most dogs?!  She looks insane.  She must be the reason there are so many doggies and this entire family is whacked, I don’t care how wealthy they are.

Okay… weird guy with no shirt and an entire family of women in matching pajamas.  They must be fundamentalist Mormons from Utah. 

Goth kids… “Life sucks… Christmas sucks… Let’s take our picture with Santa and show the rest of you how much we hate you and your stupid commercialism and stupid holidays.  Holidays suck… society sucks…”  Good grief… I really hate adolescence.  Please Lord… Please don’t let this happen to Hope…

Um… I don’t even know what to say about the nudist family.  That’s just problematic and gross.  Straight up gross.  Whose idea was that?!  Had to be the dirty father’s idea.  So gross.  Questions of over sexualizing yourself, your wife, and your two little boys with that strange look on their faces as though they were just visited by the Joker and his laughing gas come to mind.  I bet they all need some serious therapy these days.  Jacked up people right here.  So gross.  GROSS!

Yeah, I really love my dog, I love her a lot, but “The World’s Best Dad” guy and his wife look like people that I would run from only I would never be successful.  They’d see me heading to my car at the grocery store and stop me in the parking lot and bore me with their detailed ramblings about their latest trip to doggie school and what Shmo Ho learned that day and I would be taking baby steps backward ever closer to my car saying things like, “Oh? How nice,” and cursing them inside my head and asking myself what I did wrong in life to have people like this following me around.  

Monkey Girl is strange.  I wonder if that thing bit off her face years later.  That happens sometimes.  Monkeys can’t be trusted, just ask Indiana Jones.

Oh… Giant Penis t-shirt guy… what a shock… there’s always a giant penis t-shirt guy somewhere.  Idiots.  

Look at the face of the girl at the bottom of the human family Christmas tree.  She’s so miserable.  She hates her family.  I bet that’s her in the Goth Kids Santa Clause picture too, years after this one.  Poor kid.  I guess I can’t blame her.  It could’ve been worse though, she could’ve had the nudist dad and his bright ideas.   

 So… this creepy clown and Santa picture…?  I’m pretty sure I had a nightmare about this once.  And I’m also pretty sure that clown murdered those two children after this picture was taken.  Those poor kids look so uncomfortable.  What a stupid mom this one must’ve been.  Most kids scream when they go sit on Santa’s lap anyway, throw a clown in the mix and well… they’re dead.  Those two babies are long gone. 

Okay… cute mom and two kids in their jammies with naked dad behind them in front of the fire place?!?!?!  What the hell is going on with all the nakedness?!?!?!?!  THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!  PARENTS!!!!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!  PUT YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON!!!!!  YOU’RE TRAUMATIZING YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!  AND IT’S CHRISTMAS FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha… ha… The NRA goes to visit Santa… pfft….

 I’m pretty sure this little old lady with the hat that has that coil thing on it has no clue where she is or what’s going on.  She probably has Alzheimer’s or something awful and lives in an old folks home and her daughter, sitting next to her, made the family go to the home for Christmas dinner in the facility’s cafeteria.  And when they sat down for the family photo, the dad pulled out that stupid hat and put it on the clueless old lady’s head because, well… look at his face!  Look at his daughter’s face next to him!  They’re dying because they want to laugh so hard at this old woman and that stupid hat on her head!  Shame…  Shame on them… 

The Striped Family?  Look out, opponents!  They might be the next contestants on the Family Feud!  I’m also pretty sure I’ve seen them at one of Hope’s soccer games, back when she played club.  I think they were club parents.  They look like club parents.  I hate club parents.

 The swim family with the tree full of swim meet ribbons… they’re jacked.  That poor kid is jacked.  Is that Greg Luganis?  Did this happen to him too?  Again.. club parents… they really do nothing for the future of the world.  They create problem children because they treat their children like trophies that are reflections of themselves instead of working to nurture future human beings that should grow up to become well balanced and successful contributors to society.  Again… WHAT IS WRONG WITH PARENTS?!?!?!

It’s moments like these when I thank the Lord my parents were only somewhat jacked up.  And it’s moments like these when I think I need to go have a few Christmas Cocktails and pass out simply so I can forget I just saw a series of photos this awful.