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...over-educated and under-experienced, or so they say...

Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Brotherhood Of The Bowl

So I came back from a bathroom break and a friend of mine said, "Did you have a good doo doo?"  I started laughing, of course, and she made some comment about how I needed to take my notebook with me next time because I do my best thinking on the toilet.  Again, I started laughing because... I do no thinking on the toilet, which I pretty much said to her.  I go in, do my business, and get out.  The next thing I knew, we were engaged in a conversation about men and their strange relationship with the toilet -- men always seem to have some kind of ritual or something to distract themselves while taking a poo. Why is that?

Men always make it some kind of event.  I've heard more than one man refer to it as quiet time, the only place where they can be at peace, like some sort of sacred space.  And I know some men won't do it anywhere but their own home, but it wouldn't surprise me if dudes take their own preferred reading material with them into the office toilet. Hell, maybe some of them have a specific ritual for the office bathroom and a different one for the home bathroom.  Who knows... This is a mystery to my female mind.  If I didn't think it would frighten everyone in regard to my mental well being, I'd take a pole at the office regarding the preferred Number Two spot and what kind of meditative method is employed (i.e. reading, games, etc.).

I did a quick online search about the male bathroom ritual, but you're always treading on dangerous ground when conducting internet searches of that nature, so I didn't go too far.  I did find one article where a man discusses what he calls "poop paranoia" and rituals, but still... not quite the information I was looking for.  I want to know what drives the man to a point in his mind where the doo doo has become a sacred moment -- one that requires peace, tranquility, and concentration (or perhaps distraction, depending on how you look at it).

Seriously... my friend told me that every time her dad steps into the bathroom to have a movement, he takes his checkbook and balances his accounts.  ...the man seriously balances his accounts while he has a movement.

Another fellow she knows has to completely disrobe before doing the job.  He has to be completely free from all clothing or constipation may ensue -- buff bowels.

I have heard other stories of men who count out the squares of toilet paper and fold them in some sort of fashion until the task is completed.  And I knew a fellow who had to play guitar on the toilet, swearing it soothed his bowels and made the movement a smooth and relaxing experience.

There is always the traditional toilet reader claiming a calming and relaxing effect, but Hope's dad (this one always killed me) took that one to an entirely different level -- he used to read the Bible while having his morning poo.  (I never got over that one.  I remember one time I was dusting and took the Bible off the night stand, placed it on the floor just long enough to dust, and he scolded me for placing the holy book on the floor, to which I replied, "At least I'm not reading it on the crapper.")

But one of the strongest memories I have of men and their secret understanding of the sacred poo time was at a Christmas party when one of the ladies realized her husband had gone missing.  She stopped the entire conversation and exclaimed, “Where’s Dillon?!” as though we may need to call 911 because he'd been MIA for far too long.  Suddenly, we all heard a toilet flush and he came out of the hall with a magazine in his hand and every man in the room broke out into roaring laughter because, obviously, dude went and took a poo at a Christmas party and took some sacred ritual reading material with him.

Now, what I want to know is, when does this all begin?  And how is it that every single one of you has some sort of method to your movement madness?  Is there some kind of manhood training on the proper way to poo? When  potty trained as a child, does a your dad walk in and say, “Now son, the first thing you need to remember when taking a poo is that you must always have good reading material to help calm your mind and pass the time because you’re going to be in here for a while. Here, I brought you a copy of the Pokey Little Puppy. Now sit your little bottom down and do your thing.”  (I guess that's possible.  I do have a memory of my dad reading to me while I sat on the potty trainer, but I never adopted the reading on the toilet thing.  I love to read, but not on toilets.  Not very comfortable, and, like I said, I don't do my best thinking on the toilet.)

I hesitate to ask if this is some kind of Freudian thing because I hate to validate Freud on anything, but... he may have a point on this one.

Or maybe there is a reason, aside from experiencing a hangover, that people refer to the toilet as The Porcelain God, or The Throne.  Maybe you are all members of a secret society, a society way more influential than The Masons could ever hope to be, and all this time you've just played it off like some sort of stereotypical man joke.

That must be it.

That has to be it!

I am so onto you!


now I've exposed the secret...

I'm sorry...

I am very very sorry...

Your secret is safe with me.

I promise.

The Sacred Sanctum Of The Shitter is not the name of the society, neither is The Brotherhood Of The Bowl.

And I swear...

I know nothing about the powers of The Toilet Minstrel or The Toilet Cleric or The Toilet Book Keeper.

Seriously... I made all that up.

Who would ever read the Bible on the crapper anyway, right?  Who would do that?!?!

Cited Source:
Matlack, Tom; Deuce Mania: A Men's Movement, March 16, 2011

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