Monday's Child

So I just deleted this whole thing.  Seriously... I'm not really sure what I was writing there, but it didn't sound like me... it sounded like... I had the flu... I had the writer's flu and I was vomiting all over the virtual page.  I'm not kidding.  If I were still teaching and one of my students handed me what I just wrote, I'd probably give them a B-/C+ and tell them all the positive and constructive things I was supposed to tell them and then I'd call one of my colleagues and rant about the tripe I had to read.  

...the hell is wrong with me? 

Hold up... I'm going to go gargle with some salt water and clear my throat or something.  

...

All right, let's try this again.  

Like most working people that have jobs just to pay the bills, I hate Mondays.  They come in like some sort of bad hangover and you don't get your bearings until sometime around 2 in the afternoon.  And when you get to work in the morning, everyone is experiencing the same damn "hangover" you are and nothing can change that mood -- that is... until the "Happy Monday" lady rolls around.  

I'm not lying, there is seriously a "Happy Monday" lady at my office.  You see this weird china doll head thing right here?  She's like that, no lie.  Glassy eyed lady with strange hair and she walks down the hall by my cubicle every Monday and cheerily says, "HAPPY MONDAY!" to my assistant.  Every fucking Monday she says that!  And I'm always sitting in my cubicle thinking, "Is this lady for real?"  (or at least I used to always think that until I finally decided she was for real)  Who does that?  It somehow seems sick and wrong that someone could possibly be THAT excited about Monday.  Not only that, I'm pretty sure she works in the customer service department where she has to get bitch slapped all day long so... wow... Happy Monday indeed.

I've been working in this same office for the past four years, and I'd have to say it's only been in the last 9 months that I've noticed this lady, and nine months later she still throws me for a loop.  It's the closest I get to that Office Space moment where the main character's admin says, "Oh... looks like someone has a case of The Mondays..."  Damn right I do!  I have a case of The Mondays every damn Monday, and your over the top cheeriness is only making it worse!

Now here's the worst part of the Happy Monday Lady: after I sit there and run several lines of sarcasm past my admin, making her laugh of course, I have this strange guilt feeling that something is terribly wrong with me, that I shouldn't make fun of someone so happy and cheery and positive, that I too should have this cheerfully canned approach to Monday and say something to myself like, "Seize the Monday!" or "The Monday is your oyster!  Make the best of it!"  But... I shake it off.  I can't be that way, I'm not that way.  I have plenty of positive outlook moments in my life, but Monday just isn't one of them.  And... let's face it, what kind of writer would I be if I walked around like a glass eyed fair of face Monday's child?  I'm pretty sure that lady knits and bakes cookies.  I don't knit and I don't bake cookies.  I spew... that's what I do.  I spew and I say things off the cuff and I make random office people laugh with my jadedness and... I like it that way.  Besides, if I were Monday's Child, if I were "fair of face" (whatever the hell that means... Monday's child is fair of face...?  The hell does that mean?  It's certainly not me.  I wake up looking in the mirror thinking I'm one haggard ninny on Monday mornings because I have insomnia and Mondays just suck so.... ) that kind of attitude (the fair of face kind, which I needed to clarify because my last parenthetical rant went on a little longer than I had intended and I think it may have distracted you from my original point)  doesn't make for a very humorous Monday morning blog now, does it?

(Guess I'm more like Thursday's child with far to go...)