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...over-educated and under-experienced, or so they say...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

You Jujued Us!

(It is customary for Pandora, Hope, and Sidekick to make their yearly pilgrimage to the Renaissance Festival sometime in March.  Due to some unforeseen events, the pilgrimage was moved up two weeks earlier than expected)

Sidekick: (looks at the traffic ahead) What's all this?

The Oracle: (Sidekick's husband, who had agreed to drive the ladies to the Festival) It's Festival traffic.

Sidekick: This far out?  It can't be.  There has to be a car accident somewhere or something.

The Oracle: Nope.  It's Festival traffic.

Sidekick: I don't remember it being this bad last year.  Was it?

Pandora: Don't think so.  We usually don't hit traffic until Idaho Rd.  (looks at the time) I don't know if we're going to make it in time for the feast.

Sidekick: What time is it?

Pandora: 11:40.  If the traffic is this bad this far out, there's no way we're going to make it there by noon.

Sidekick: Maybe they'll let us go to the 2 o'clock feast?

Pandora: Doubt it.

(An hour and twenty minutes later they pull into the Festival)

Hope: So, what do we do now?

Sidekick: I think we should ask about the 2 o'clock feast.

Hope: Or at least get your money back.

Pandora: I doubt either of those options will work.

Hope: It doesn't hurt to ask.

Sidekick: Listen to the kid.

(Pandora stands in line at the Will Call booth directly behind the cutest elderly couple she's ever seen -- they're dressed in some extremely authentic and expensive Renaissance Costumes and they far outshine any of the people in her general vicinity, herself and her own costume included.  As they get to the window they explain that they missed the 12 o'clock feast because of traffic, but they were denied entrance to the 2 o'clock feast because it was sold out.  They then asked for a refund for the feast portion and again, they were denied, though they were encouraged to go enjoy the rest of the festival.  Politely and kindly the elderly couple said thank you and made their way to the gate.  Pandora didn't even bother to go to the booth window.)

Sidekick: What's up?

Pandora: See that sweet little couple right there?  In the best costumes I've ever seen?  They had the exact same problem we did and they were denied.  If that lady at the will call booth is cold enough to deny those sweet people right there, then I'm not even going to bother asking.

Hope: So what do we do?  What are you going to eat in there?  I'm pretty sure nothing is gluten free in there.

Pandora: I don't know if I can eat right now.  That's $150 just flying out of my pocket with no purpose.

Sidekick: Let's not think about that right now.  Let's get in there, I'll buy you a drink, we'll get Hope some food, and we'll think about what you can eat.

(They walk inside the gates and the Festival is overrun with people, uncharacteristically crowded from what the ladies are used to.)

Sidekick: Oh man.... this is gonna be grand, isn't it?  People everywhere!  They're camping out on the lawn there like homeless people!

Pandora: It's St. Patty's Day.  They all thought it would be great to come out here and feel Irish or something.

Sidekick: Well it's annoying.  We need to remember not to do this on a holiday.  This is awful!

Hope: Look!  The Irish Stew!  They serve it in a bread bowl, Mama, but if they can put it in a real bowl you can eat it.  It's really yummy!  I've had it before.

(they stand in line for several minutes, finally get to the front, and they announce they're out of the Irish Stew)

Pandora: Are you serious?  Ugh...

Hope: Well... we can get a turkey leg, Mom.  It's jut meat.  It's probably safe.

Pandora: ...

Sidekick: I'm gonna get you a glass of wine.  Go get in the Turkey leg line.

(Hope and Pandora get into the turkey leg line and spend another 15 minutes in that line before the guy announces that they've run out of Turkey legs but more should be ready in 5 minutes)

Pandora: This is insane... the hell is going on today?

Sidekick: Here (hands Pandora a glass of wine) sip on this.  It's gonna be okay.

Pandora: I am absolutely annoyed right now!  I have never had this experience at the Renaissance Festival before!  I buy the Feast tickets so I can eat real food and have everything taken care of and I don't have to stand in line for things like turkey legs!  Yet here I am... standing in line for stupid stews and turkey legs that keep running out because everyone and their idiot brother decided to spend St. Patrick's Day at the Renaissance Festival and the only reason we're here is because of some miscommunication over a basketball tournament that isn't going to happen on the day we originally planned to come here!

Hope: (looks up at Sidekick for some assistance)

Sidekick: Well, it does feel like all of the idiots of Earth crashed my favorite bar or something.

Pandora: I know!

Sidekick: Like... this is my bar, I come here all the time and sing karaoke but some stupid bachelorette party showed up today and now they're hogging up my space and taking all the good songs.

Pandora:  Totally!  Get me some peanuts!  Let's throw peanuts at them!

Hope: Well, there is a place we can throw vegetables at a guy.

Pandora: We're going there after this.

(the Turkey legs finally show up.  Pandora realizes she has almost no cash left in her purse after paying $7.95 for the stupid thing that she took about four bites out of and nearly threw up because it simply grossed her out)

Sidekick: (watching Pandora chew the fat, quite literally)  You okay?

Pandora: No.  This thing is barbaric.

Hope: Well, that's the point!

Pandora: I'm sure, but ... I think I'm going to throw up.  I don't do barbarism very well.

Sidekick: Hahaha... there's a trash can behind you.

Pandora: (throws the thing away)  we can add $7.95 to the wasted cash list.  I need an ATM.  I didn't prepare for this, since I figured we were going to be at the feast for the first few hours we were here.

Hope: (points to an ATM) There's one!  And the line isn't too bad. (big smile)

(They stand in line at the ATM and just as it's almost their turn, the person in front turns around and states that the machine is broken and no longer giving out cash)

Pandora: Are you kidding me?!  What is going on?!  First I'm late to your house because Hope's computer crashed and I was trying to fix it, then the traffic was absolutely insane, then we miss the feast and therefor lose $150, then the place is full of people that never come here but decide to come and eat up all the Irish Stew, then there's no turkey legs, then when I wait longer to get the stupid turkey leg I want to throw up, and now just when I'm trying to change my mood and make the best of this, the stupid ATM machine is down?!  Really?!  What is this?!

Sidekick: ...

Hope: ...

Pandora: You know what it is?!  Mercury... It's Mercury!  That stupid retrograde bull shit!

Sidekick:  Oh yeah!  I read that.  You blogged about that the other day.  That was hilarious!

Hope: You blogged about that, Mom?!  Then it's not Mercury!  You did this!  You know better than to make fun of things!  Remember that time you made fun of the person that schlepped and then you ended up schlepping for two weeks?!  Now look what you did!  You made fun of Mercury gone retrograde and now everything you said came true!

Sidekick:  Wait a minute... she's right!  Did you listen to what you just said?  Computers breaking, traffic jams, communications getting lost... You totally jujued us!  YOU JUJUED US!!!

Pandora: ...

Hope:  Oh my gosh, Mom...  You're always on my case about what I say out loud and you not only said it out loud you put it in print and posted it into CYBER SPACE!  No wonder everything is all wonky right now!

Sidekick:  totally... you totally jujued us...  and even that hippy chick at the table said people like you need to pay attention to things like this and here you are.

Pandora: Well, I do remember schlepping for two weeks so I suppose it is entirely possible that my mockery of Mercury brought this down upon us.  ...sigh...  Guess we need to make the best of it and laugh.  So... shall we go throw vegetables at people?

Hope: ...

Sidekick: ...

Pandora: (turns around to see the Death Parade dancing by) Awesome... see?  They're validating everything. They know I jujued us.  (Hope and Sidekick start laughing and the three of them start walking further down the path.)  Jujued us... I'm going to use that somewhere, just so you know.

Sidekick: Go for it.

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