Cupid, My Enemy

Hank the Bad Cupid by extrafeet inc, Atlanta, GA

Cupid is no friend of mine.  I don't know what I ever did to the guy, but he's apparently had it out for me for quite some time.  Doesn't matter if he toys with me through random stalkers that spot me in the checkout line at Walgreens, or if he dupes me into thinking that I found true love, only to stand beside me at the dumpster shouting: PSYCHE!!!  Fooled you!  Bah ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Seriously...  This thought has been on my mind all day.  Being Valentine's Day, and everyone around me is getting roses (including my daughter), can you blame me?  I mean, sometimes we all have to take a minute to reevaluate things and say, "Where did I go wrong?  What did I ever do to you, Senior Cupid?  I mean... the biggest idiots of Earth can find their perfect match and yet... I keep getting screwed, and not in the hot, sweaty, and pleasurable kind of way.  What's up with that?!"


And speaking of the whole "PSYCHE" thing, I did find myself remembering some myth about Cupid and Psyche. It was some sort of tale about Love (who is Cupid) and Soul (who is Psyche) and how the two come together to form a perfect and eternal union and bla bla bla.

I couldn't remember how the entire tale went, but I did know there was some sort of strife between them, so I went digging through one of my books until I found it and remembered...

It was Venus!  Cupid's mother!  Oh yea... that bitch was jealous of Psyche because she was the most beautiful mortal woman on Earth and all the men adored her and neglected to pay homage to that stupid goddess of Love.

Really... out of all the goddesses, Venus/Aphrodite is the most annoying because she's supposed to be the Love Goddess and all she does is get jealous and curse people all the time.   Don't believe me?  Ask Medusa! (Oh wait... That was Athena that cursed her...  Well, you get my point.)

So Venus get's jealous of Psyche and sends Cupid down to shoot her with one of his arrows and make her fall in love with one of the biggest idiots of Earth (this must be how all idiots of Earth find their match in the first place).  The problem is, Cupid sees how beautiful Psyche is and decides to keep her for himself.

I won't waste your time going on about that stupid story there, but I did start thinking that maybe Venus has sent Cupid down to give me grief because she thinks I'm the reason men don't go to her temple and burn incense anymore.  And that stupid puke with the golden fucking arrows keeps jacking me up with his lame excuse for a romantic escapade because his whacked out mother told him to.  And because he's been going around taking orders from his mom for countless centuries, he's gotten a little bored with the whole thing so he has to spice it up with some stalkers and homeless guys, on the corner of College Avenue and University Drive, that see no harm in copping a feel as I wait for the crosswalk light to turn green.  And really???  This is getting old.

Can someone just do me a favor and explain to Venus, or Aphrodite, or whatever the hell her name is, that the only reason men aren't burning incense in her temple anymore is because no one gives a shit?!  And would someone explain to her that, unless they were sent by her stupid son Cupid to stalk me, there are no men coming to burn incense on my front patio either (and if they do, I'll be calling the cops because that's just weird)?!  And would someone please explain, to that high and mighty bitch, that it isn't my fault that her statues resemble a decapitated dismembered delicacy of Hannibal Lecter?!

And please... please... tell her to call off her son Cupid because, well, look at the guy... he just ain't what he used to be...