About Me

My photo
...over-educated and under-experienced, or so they say...

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Queen's Dilly

(Pandora visits the satellite office)

Pandora:  (knocks on the cubicle wall) Caesar?

Caesar:  (turns around) Pandora?

Pandora:  Caesar...

Caesar: PandOora...  What?  Is today your day to step into Office Vietnam?

Pandora:  Apparently.  And considering the rants running through my head right now, it's also surround me with stupid people day.

Caesar:  Really?  I thought that was yesterday.  Is this becoming an epidemic?  Should we send out a bulletin?

Pandora:  Well, we may need to submit a warning to our fellow members of the intelligent underground.  There does seem to be something amiss in the universe right now.

Caesar:  Are you about to make a Mercury retrograde comment again?

Pandora:  No.  Although, I should probably ask around about that one.  I was informed that Venus is retrograde for the next six weeks, but that's supposed to affect one's love life, of which I have none, so I think I'm in the clear, but it may affect you and... I suppose that could be why so many stupid people are drawn to me right now.  I mean... something has to go wrong with my public relations right?  No love life but... if a planet needs to screw with me then why not send some stupid people, right?

Caesar:  Huh.  I don't know, but thanks for telling me about that.  Now I will pay attention to things that happen and I will have an excuse ready to go.

Pandora:  Just remember, that excuse is only valid through the end of June.

Caesar:  Hmmm...  (looks at his email)  Oh hey!  Dilly bars!  By the printers!

Pandora: ...dilly what?

Caesar:  (looks at her like she's stupid)  BARS...

Pandora:  Dilly bars?

Caesar: ...

Pandora:  I'm serious.  I've never heard of this before.

Caesar: How could you not?!  How sheltered have you been ALL YOUR LIFE... AGAIN?!  This is your basic ice cream product from Dairy Queen!!!

Pandora: (shrugs)

Caesar:  That's it.  Wait here.  (goes around the corner and comes back with a  Dilly Bar)

Caesar:  This, my friend, is a Dilly Bar.

Pandora:  um... that looks somewhat Freudian there.

Caesar:  Oh yeah... I am about to lick this big chocolate nipple!  

Pandora: ...

Caesar:  This is nothing but a big choconip with an even larger areola.  In a matter of seconds, let's just say this dilly will never be the same again.  (picks the thing up and ever so gently kisses it)

Pandora: ... 

Caesar:  You may want to walk away now.  You aren't going to want to see what's about to go on over here.

Pandora: Right.  Well, I do have a valid question.

Caesar:  What?  You want to lick my chocolate nipple?

Pandora: No, I don't want to lick your chocolate nipple.

Caesar: Oh, okay.  No problem.  I offer it more than I probably should anyway.  (continues to work the dilly)  Besides, Venus is retrograde right now, so I'm all confused. 

Pandora:  Seriously... can you please refrain from working the dilly and answer my question.

Caesar:  The Dilly... she's going to melt soon if you don't and the only place this baby needs to be melting is in my mouth.  

Pandora:  ...

Caesar:  All right, shoot.

Pandora:  I need to know the contact information for the engineer you're working with on the 83rd job.

Caesar: (working the dilly)  Engineer?  What engineer?

Pandora:  You know... the engineer in charge of the project for the city?  The main contact?

Caesar:  (not looking at anything but the stupid dilly ice cream bar)  Engineer in charge?  Main contact?

Pandora:  Oh my god... You know what I'm talking about.  Perhaps Project Manager is a better title?  Does that ring a bell?

Caesar:  Oh!  (licks the chocolate off his lips)  That guy!  What, you need me to call him?

Pandora:  No, I need to call him.

Caesar: (licking the bottom side of the dilly)  So you want me to dial him now and put him on speaker.

Pandora:  No, man, I need you to give me his contact info and I will call him myself.

Caesar:  (loving on the dilly)

Pandora:  dude... will you please just take a bite out of that thing already?

Caesar:  Don't be a hater, Pandora.  They do have Buster Bars.  You may need to pick one up on the way home.  You're extremely uptight right now.

Pandora:  ...

Caesar:  All right.  His name is George Zingerbacher.  Let me finish having my moment here with Dilly and I'll send you his info.  What you got against this thing anyway?  It is the yummiest nipple I've ever had.

Pandora:  well... look at it.  They so did that on purpose.  It has to be a representation of some lady somewhere.  

Caesar:  Of course it is!  It's a representation of the Queen Herself!  

Pandora:  Awesome...  The Queen's man had pet names for her glory and he made a chocolate ice cream bar to commemorate them and now everyone is excited to lick the Dilly.

Caesar:  Dang... This conversation is starting to remind me of that Family Guy episode where Peter turned into Mrs. Garrett's chest.

Pandora: What?

Caesar:  You know, Mrs. Garrett?  From The Facts Of Life?

Pandora:  Oh, sure, but those would be strawberry vanilla, not chocolate.

Caesar:  You're right.  ... oh man... that's a bad image now.  I need to think of something else.

Pandora:  How about you think about the Zingerbacher guy and get me his contact info.

Caesar:  Good idea.  (turns to his computer to print off the contact info and starts singing)  "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, the facts of life.  ...the facts of LIFE!"

Pandora:  Please don't do that.

Caesar:  "there's a time you gotta go and show you're growing now you know about the facts of life... the facts of LIFE!"

Pandora:  This is disturbing me.

Caesar: (hands Pandora the contact info)  Now, you go do what you need to do here, but I want you to promise me that you will go get a Buster Bar and chill out.

Pandora:  (takes the paper from his hand)  Yes, I will be sure to do that.

Caesar:  Leave me and Dilly alone now.  We need some alone time.  

Pandora:  (chuckles)  Thanks.  Take it easy, man.

Caesar:  Orale...

Pandora:  Simon...

(as Pandora walks away from his cubicle she hears him break into one last lyric:  "The facts of life are all about yooooooooooooooou....")

Pandora:  ...sigh...

No comments:

Post a Comment