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...over-educated and under-experienced, or so they say...

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Chain

It is quite possible that I belong to a minority group. You say, "A minority group?" And I say, "Yes. That's right." I apparently belong to the small group of people that find chain emails ridiculous and annoying and I am regularly oppressed by their constant appearance in my inbox. You say, "Oppressed? That's a strong word, Pandora. How can you be oppressed by the happy little baby with angel wings that promises to grant you great joy in your life as long as you send it off to ten people who could also use great joy in their life?" And I say, "Because when I come to work in the morning and find sixty emails waiting for me, most of them from the same people that need something from me, I find myself spending twenty minutes sifting through the tripe of 50 chain emails before getting to the point with the remaining ten!"

Ok. So maybe I exaggerate a little, but one chain email is one too many. Really, whose stupid idea was this and why must I be subjected to it on a daily basis? Yesterday morning I got some stupid email with one of those stupid pictures of Jesus where he looks like some kind of pansy or something, making the sign of the cross with his right hand, while red and blue rays of light come out of his belly button and it said something stupid like, "Forward this message the same day you received it. It may Sound ridiculous, but it is right on time. We believe that something is about to happen. Angels exist, only sometimes they haven't got wings and we call them friends; you are one of them. Something wonderful is about to happen to you and your friends. Tomorrow at 9:20AM somebody will address you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear. Please do not break this. Send it to at least 7 of your friends!"

Um... it may sound ridiculous? How about: it is ridiculous. The last time I checked, Jesus prefers it when I speak to him directly, not through some stupid email forward, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't take orders like, "...and would you please have this to me by 9:20 tomorrow morning? I promise to pray for seven of my closest friends via email forwarding. How's that? Pretty good deal, ain't it? Oh, and I like my steak medium rare. Thanks, Bro! You reign!"

And this whole, "angels exist" thing "only sometimes they don't have wings?" First of all, I think I said something about that concept in my Angels Or Aliens post and secondly, having worked with the dude that sent me this thing, assuming he forwarded after someone who sent it to him, I'm pretty sure the guy's temper is enough to prove he isn't an angel (with or without wings) and, despite what some other metaphysical humans might think, I'm not one either.

Seriously... these things drive me nuts. I've gotten everything from Jesus promising to send me something at 9:20 in the morning to Angel Babies sprinkling me with love dust to Buddhas promising world peace to Feng Shui emails granting health and wealth to Fairies bringing "wind falls" of coin to Leprechauns promising that this email is the end of my rainbow and a stupid pot of gold is waiting for me on the other side (as long as I help 20 more people find the end of their rainbow by forwarding the Lucky Leprechaun). I have even gotten some stupid email from the Dali Lama explaining the 8 Key Points Of Life that I should live by, which I admit were good points, only to be ruined by the something like: if you send this to 1 - 5 people your life will improve slightly, if you send this to 5 - 10 people your life will improve, if you send this to 10 - 20 people your life will improve greatly and you will know great joy and happiness all of your days. ...um... is it bad if I'm inclined to say, "Please shut the hell up."

Oh, and I particularly love the ones that come with curses attached to them: "If you don't forward this to at least 10 people something bad will befall you." Seriously? Are you kidding me? Something bad befell me as soon as I opened this stupid email! Something bad befell me on more than one occasion in my life before I ever had access to email. What is going on, people? Where are your brains? Why are you sending this garbage? Because you truly believe something bad will befall you if you don't? And who uses the word befall anyway?

My favorite chain email that promised something bad to befall me was a "genuine Chinese Proverb" that originated in Switzerland. I can't remember the actual proverb because it was just a tad bit overshadowed by the story of the guy that didn't forward the email and his son grew deathly ill two days later, but once he realized the error of his ways and sent the email off to ten people his son was miraculously healed.


Is there no end to our idiocy? At what point do you not notice that "genuine" Chinese Proverbs don't originate in Switzerland? And if I'm not mistaken, the purpose of a proverb is to enlighten you with its truth not threaten your well being with a stupid curse. Where oh where has common sense gone? Is this the work of some stupid liberal regime that also believes people should be paid for lying around doing nothing? Did you really think you'd find wealth and prosperity if you sent this email to me? I'm pretty sure you're still sitting there in that stupid cubicle with the same salary you had yesterday. I'm pretty sure the bills are still waiting to be paid by the usual means with which you pay them. And I'm pretty sure something bad will befall you even after you sent this stupid thing to me. Why? Because it always does. Because that's the ebb and flow of life, people. Because in the joy there is also pain. How's that for a proverb?

Here's a genuine American Proverb straight from the borderline ghetto of Phoenix, AZ -- something good will happen to you today and something bad will happen to you today, there is a high point and low point to every day, and well... that's what we call the human experience.

Now email this post to 20 people because I really need some more readers.

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