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...over-educated and under-experienced, or so they say...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

It's A Penguiolles Thanksgiving

In the following dialogue:
Pandora -- Thirty-Something Menace To Society/Notorious Scribe
G.B. Wittington -- close friend of Pandora and fellow Thirty-Something Menace To Society.
OCD Wittington -- G.B. Wittington's older sister, also Thirty-Something Menace To Society.
Saucy Wittington -- G.B. Wittington's younger sister, mother of Baby Leham.
DownTempo -- Saucy's boyfriend and father to Baby Leham.
The Grand Ma -- Mother of the Wittington family.

The setting is the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving at OCD's apartment. The small family has decided Wednesday is the best time to have their Thanksgiving celebration.
Pandora and G.B. Wittington enter the room and it begins.

The Grand Ma: Oh! Look who's here! Pandora! So good to see you again! Come... come here and sit down. I will move so you can have a seat.

Saucy Wittington: Here Mama, you can sit here in the padded chair next to me. Pandora can sit on the other side.

The Grand Ma: Oh no. Pandora needs to sit here. Sit here, Pandora. I can go sit on the couch.

Pandora: At the head of the table? No. I can sit here, you stay there.

The Grand Ma: No no no... you sit here.

Saucy Wittington: Mama! Sit here in the padded chair next to me. You don't need to sit on the couch. I have a chair right here for you.

The Grand Ma: But I want Pandora to sit over there.

Saucy: She can sit there, but you sit here.

The Grand Ma: (wanders off to the living room a bit confused by the padded chair idea)

Pandora: (sits next to the padded chair, leaving the head of the table empty)

Saucy: Mama! Come sit here! There is a chair here for you.

G.B. Wittington: (makes himself at home in the kitchen)

OCD Wittington: (looks at Pandora) Get yourself some pizza and pasta, Pandora. There's plenty to go around.

Pandora: (steps into the kitchen)

G.B. Wittington: Go sit down. I'll fix a plate for you.

Pandora: (sits back down)

OCD Wittington: (looks at Pandora) Get yourself some pizza, Pandora.

Pandora: (looks over her shoulder into the kitchen and then looks back at O.C.D.) Apparently, G.B. is fixing a plate for me.

The Grand Ma: Well, we are just so happy you could make it, Pandora. It's good to have you here with us.

Pandora: Thank you. It's good to be here.

The Grand Ma: Have you met Baby Leham? (she smiles proudly at her four month old grandson)

Saucy: Yes, Mama. She's met the baby, but you'll have to excuse me for a few minutes. I need to go in the back room and feed him. I'll be back in a few minutes.

DownTempo: Pandora, welcome to the family dinner.

Pandora: Thank you.

G.B. Wittington: (places a plate of chicken and rice in front of Pandora and takes his place at the head of the table with a plate full of pizza and pasta)

Pandora: (cuts into the chicken when she notices The Grand Ma staring at her plate)

The Grand Ma: Where did the chicken and rice come from?

Pandora: Well, I have a gluten allergy so...

The Grand Ma: ...a what? You have a what?

Pandora: ...a gluten allergy, so...

The Grand Ma: ...a gluten allergy? What?

G.B.:(puts down his fork) Okay. Let's just get this out on the table.

DownTempo: (looks up from his plate) Wait a minute, what? Something needs to get out onto the table?

G.B.: Yes, we just need to get this out on the table, say it once, so everyone knows about it, and then we're done.

DownTempo: Wait a minute. Saucy just left the room. You can't get something out on the table without her. This sounds important. Maybe you should wait.

The Grand Ma: What's going on?

OCD: Yes, what's going on?

Pandora: (sits up in the chair) No need to get excited. Nothing important and significant to anyone's lives is about to be thrown out onto the table here.

G.B.: Pandora has a gluten allergy. She has a gluten and a dairy allergy. She cannot eat any kind of breads or pastas and because she can't have dairy, pizza has now become one of her worst enemies. Because of this, she has a plate of chicken and rice while the rest of us eat the pizza.

DownTempo: Aw man... that sucks!

The Grand Ma: Oh my! A gluten allergy? Is this new? Have you had it forever? You ate pizza last time you were with us, didn't you?

DownTempo: damn... man... that really sucks. Dairy too? Oh man... what are you allowed to eat then?

Pandora: I don't know how long I've had it. I've been going in for tests since July and they recently diagnosed me with the gluten and dairy allergy.

The Grand Ma: Oh my...

DownTempo: Dude... I went into my room and sulked for three days when I found out I was allergic to guacamole. If they told me I had a gluten allergy I think I'd off myself.

OCD: Well now I feel bad. I wish I had known that before you came over.

Pandora: It's okay. I've only been doing this for a few weeks so I don't always think to tell people about it.

The Grand Ma: What is gluten?

Pandora: It's in all wheat and flour based things, like breads and pastas, but it's also in some sauces and other things that I can't have anymore. I can't drink beer anymore either.

DownTempo: (puts his fork down and sits back in his seat) No beer! Really? Oh man... that sucks. That really sucks.

The Grand Ma: So they found out because you were having stomach problems and they ran some tests to find out what it was? Hey... Maybe you have the same problem, G.B. You've always had a gurgling stomach.

G.B.: What?

The Grand Ma: You've always had stomach problems. I think you have the same problem she does. I think you need to go get some tests done.

G.B.: Pfft... No.

The Grand Ma: No? You don't know. You should take a test.

G.B.: Mama... I've seen Pandora get sick from the allergy. I don't have that.

The Grand Ma: Well, how do you know? You've never taken a test. Have you ever taken a test?

G.B.: I took a test once.

The Grand Ma: You did? You took a test?

G.B.: Yes, Mama, I took a test once.

The Grand Ma: And? What happened?

G.B.: (chews his food, swallows, and reaches for his glass of water) I got a C.

The Grand Ma: ...

OCD: ...

Pandora: (waits in silence)

DownTempo: ... Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Pandora: (watches G.B. resume eating)

OCD: ...

The Grand Ma: What? You got a C? What does that mean? Pandora, what does he mean? ...a C?

Pandora: Don't worry about it.

The Grand Ma: Well, it makes me feel bad because you won't be able to enjoy the yummy dessert I brought for you.

OCD: You brought dessert, Mama?

The Grand Ma: (drops what appears to be packages of Hostess Cupcakes on the table) I brought cupcakes for everyone!

OCD: You brought Hostess Cupcakes?

G.B.: (picks up the package closest to him) These aren't Hostess Cupcakes, these are Penguiolles.

OCD: What?

The Grand Ma: They're Hostess Cupcakes.

G.B.: No, Mom, they're Penguiolles. Penguiolles are not Hostess Cupcakes. They are a Mexican rip-off found at places like Food City. Have you been shopping at Food City again?

The Grand Ma: They're Hostess Cupcakes and I have not been shopping at Food City.

DownTempo: (picks up a package) Yep, they're Penguiolles.

OCD: (opens her package) Mama, they're not even soft. They're hard like rocks. (takes a bite) It just crumbled in my mouth! (stands up and leaves the table)

The Grand Ma: Well, we had a social at the park the other day and everyone brings a treat and someone gave me these. Lewis eats them all the time. He loves them. So I just thought I would share with you kids. It's Thanksgiving and we need to have dessert, don't we?

OCD: Lewis will eat anything, Mom. Those are hard like rocks!

G.B.: (shows the package to Pandora) Penguiolles... yum yum. Gluten allergy saves the day.

Saucy: (comes back into the room) What's going on out here? (looks at DownTempo) You keep saying something sucks. OCD is in the bathroom washing her mouth out. What's going on? What sucks?

DownTempo: Pandora has a gluten allergy! AND a dairy allergy! She can't have pizza or beer ever again in her life!

Saucy: Oh wow! That's harsh.

DownTempo: Oh, and your mom brought Penguiolles for dessert.

Saucy: What? Penguiolles? (picks up a package) Mom? You brought Penguiolles for dessert? Have you been shopping at Food City again?

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