Cosmo And Me

So... I have this friend, same friend that's always sending me those stupid "People Of Walmart" emails, that decided to send me six months of Cosmopolitan Magazine.  Why did this friend do this you ask?  Well, I would ask the same question if I didn't already know the answer.  You see, this friend loves to torment me.  She loves to torment me with stupid shit that she knows is eventually going to set me off onto some crazy rant and then she loves to sit there and laugh her ass off at me.  So last December she sent me a text message saying, "I'm sending your Christmas present in the mail.  I'm not telling you what it is, but you'll know when you get it that it's from me."  Come January, when I got my first issue of Cosmopolitan, I knew what she had done.

For the past three months all I've done is throw the damn thing in the trash without looking at it. But today I couldn't help it anymore.  I went out for my morning walk with my dog and I checked my mail and I pulled out all the junk, including this magazine, and just as I was about to throw it in the garbage I looked at the cover page and saw, "The Smile That Makes Men Hit On You."

That was it.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I had to say something.  I had to read that stupid shit and say something.  The Smile That Makes Men Hit On You?!  Are you serious?!

So I look at the inside cover to find the page number for this "smile article" ( because I'm not interested in Feeling Great Naked because... who doesn't feel great naked?  Clothes are confining and irritating.  Walk around your house naked sometime and you'll feel great no matter who you are... what's wrong with you?  And I'm not interested in your 99 Sex Questions and I'm not interested in having an Easier Stronger Orgasm... well... maybe I am but you can't really go there when you've taken a vow of celibacy... I'm not interested in Sexy Vs. Skanky because if you don't know that by now you're an idiot and your mother was probably an idiot too. I'm not interested in Looks Men Lust For because... what look doesn't a man lust for? No offense guys, but even you make jokes about "one baggers" and "two baggers" and "coyote ugly" so... really?  I need to worry about what you lust for?  I'm not interested in The Stud Meter because most of those idiots eat rocks and suffer from narcissism anyway, I don't need to read Don't Be This Kind Of Tease because again, if you don't know that by now you're probably an idiot who had an idiot for a mother, and I certainly don't need Cosmopolitan magazine to give me 8 Ways To Get Over A Bad Day... seriously ladies... this is where you turn for advice?  Seriously?!?!  ...I digress... forget this entire parenthetical rant and read on...) and I find that the "smile article," on page 130, is actually titled "Make A Hottie Hit On You."  (Yes... I threw up...)

So, here it is.  Cosmopolitan's advice on how to "Make A Hottie Hit On You" and my commentary along the way:

1.  Rock Bold Earrings Or A Shirt With An Eye-Catching Graphic:  "...if you have on, say a funky necklace, he's more likely to approach, because he has something he can talk to you about without having to pull some random topic out of left field."  Oh boy!  A man that can talk about my funky necklace and bold earrings!!!  A DREAM COME TRUE!!!  I would say that this is what I've been doing wrong my entire life but... check this out!  I wore bold earrings today!  Look at those things!  Granted, I wasn't in a bar, but I was in a business meeting with more than one hottie at the table and you know what one of them said to me when the meeting was over?  "You have a big scratch on your hand.  Do you have a cat or something?"

2. Do The Cosmo Heel Dangle:  Think about those sparkly hooks fishermen use to lure their catch.  The fish are drawn to them because they shimmer and twirl, right?  Well, it sounds a bit Nature-Channel-meets-Housewives, but your stiletto can do the same thing for men... Dangle your stiletto...  
Is it me?  Or is this "love expert" MD sounding like she's taking her advice from the cheesy romance novel she read last night?  Check these babies out.  Yes, I wear them.  I love them.  I don't wear them to go fishing, I wear them because they look awesome with my black slacks and my button down collared shirt.  The last time I wore them and yes... I was in a meeting... the man next to me said, after I got a little hot headed with another man at the table, "Well, you can always try and knock him out with those things.  They have a pretty good point on the end and you look like you could throw a solid kick.  Have at it!"

3. Give Him Sexy Eyes... Twice: ...you need to make eye contact with a dude and subtly smile at him twice for him to get that you're interested.  So... look at him, smile, look away, then do it again.  
Yes, I will concede that eye contact is a good way to say "come talk to me," but it is also very dangerous.  Be careful not to make eye contact with the guy who has been staring at you for a long time that you have no intention of talking to at all.  That happened to me once, and not in a meeting this time.  I was actually in a bar.  And in those days I was pretty timid.  And I was sitting with a couple friends and noticed a man at the bar staring at me.  When one of the friends got up to use the restroom, I tipped my other friend off that the guy at the bar was going to come talk to me and I wasn't interested.  He came over, asked to sit down, I told him my friend was sitting there, he sat down anyway.  I wasn't sure what to do then.  Luckily I had a fire ball friend that stepped up to the plate and said, "Hey!  Fucko!  I think what she meant to say was: No!  You can't sit there!"  So... While I'm pretty sure, the earrings and the heel dangle thing are stupid advice, the eye contact thing is real and I would advise you to use it with caution.

There you have it folks (or friend who has waited three months for this moment).  I will never open a Cosmopolitan magazine again and thank God I will only be throwing this tripe in the garbage for three more months to come.

And you!   (you know who you are.... )  You are guilty of TREE GENOCIDE!!!!